Love Languages Got You Thinking - Now Let’s Go Deeper
Have you ever felt lonely inside a relationship that looked perfectly fine from the outside?
You’re not alone - and you’re not imagining it. Emotional fulfilment is one of the strongest predictors of overall wellbeing, yet so many of us have never been taught how to understand or communicate what we actually need to feel truly loved.
What if the love around you isn’t landing in a way you can actually feel?
Article by Sian Self, Sexologist, Health Educator and Anni Expert.
What nobody teaches us about giving and receiving love
There is so much emphasis on looking after our physical health, and thankfully our mental health has also come into the picture. What seems to be missing, however, is our emotional health - and yet it remains the most overlooked pillar of our overall wellness.
Think of mental health as the umbrella, the way our mind functions, our thinking, reasoning and mood regulation. Our emotional health sits within this umbrella and refers to our awareness of, and relationship with, our feelings - how well we recognise, express, and process our emotions, and how we navigate emotional experiences in our relationships and day to day life. So, if you’re doing all the right things - journaling, meditating, eating well, moving your body - and still feeling emotionally depleted, what if what’s missing isn’t another wellness habit? What if it's simply a deeper understanding of what fills your emotional cup?
Love languages
You may already be familiar with the popular phenomenon of love languages-Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. These five categories were developed by Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor and pastor, based on his observations from years of working with couples. They describe the different ways people tend to express and experience love in their relationships.
It’s not uncommon to scroll past content talking about the five love languages, and whilst they do serve as a helpful and accessible tool that encourages intentionality in relationships, they weren’t developed as a psychological framework. A quick Google search will pull up quizzes promising to identify your ‘primary’ love language - and whilst knowing how you experience and feel loved is genuinely important, I like to think of love languages as the doorway to the house, not the whole house.
What love languages do brilliantly is give people a language - often for the very first time - to begin talking about what they need in a relationship. That moment of recognition, ‘this is how I feel most loved’, is genuinely valuable. However, our emotional needs are more fluid and layered than any five categories can capture. So rather than stopping at the label, this is an invitation to go deeper - to develop a real understanding of yourself, and your partner, that goes beyond a quiz result.
What research actually tells us
This is the part where I get to completely nerd out - and I make no apologies for it. I first heard about attachment styles during my own therapy, and it was a genuine game changer in understanding how I showed up in relationships. There is a wealth of research around attachment, originally developed by a British psychiatrist, John Bowlby. The core concept is that our early childhood bonds create internal working models that shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. The main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant – you may come across disorganised attachment, which describes someone who experiences both anxious and avoidant patterns, often simultaneously.
Two of my favourite people in this space are Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman - clinical psychologists and researchers who have spent over 50 years studying what actually makes relationships work. One concept from their research that I find particularly powerful is the idea of emotional ‘bids’ - the small everyday moments where we reach for connection. A comment, a touch, a look. Something as simple as saying “look at that” and hoping your partner looks too. How each person responds to these bids matters enormously. When we turn towards them - acknowledging, engaging, responding - it quietly fills the emotional cup. When we consistently turn away, over time it can begin to feel like rejection, even when that was never the intention.
And underpinning all of this is something researchers call perceived partner responsiveness - the feeling of being truly seen, known and understood by the person closest to you. Studies show that this single experience is one of the strongest predictors of both relationship satisfaction and individual wellbeing. It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about whether your partner really knows you - and whether you feel it.
So what do you actually do with this?
As an educator first, it would be against my nature to give you all this information without a call to action. If these concepts are completely new to you, I’d suggest starting with the book or audiobook ‘The Power of Attachment’ by Diane Poole Heller - it’s an accessible and genuinely moving place to begin. If you already work with a therapist, bring these ideas into your sessions and ask them to explore attachment with you.
I want to be honest with you - understanding your attachment style doesn’t mean the internal work won’t be hard. It will be. What it does give you is a deeper understanding of why you are the way you are in relationships. And with that awareness, real change becomes possible. With willingness and self-compassion, it is absolutely possible to move toward a more secure way of attaching - and with that, more emotionally fulfilling relationships.
As a Bloom By Sian reader on Anni, you’ll also be among the first to receive my free Fill Your Cup - A Relationship Check-In Guide, a practical resource to help you take everything in this article a step further. To get you started right now, here are a few reflection questions worth sitting with:
Think of a time when you felt most emotionally fulfilled in a relationship. What was happening around you - and within you?
When you feel disconnected from someone you love, what is missing? Is it their words, their presence, their effort - or something harder to name?
How do you think the people closest to you experience your bids for connection - and how do you respond to theirs?
If the person closest to you filled in this guide, what do you think they would say about feeling loved by you?
A note for those not currently in a relationship
Whilst I am currently in a relationship, I spent my entire twenties and early thirties navigating the dating world - and more importantly figuring out myself. If you’re single, I’d argue this internal work is more important. Understanding your emotional needs helps you choose better partners, communicate what you need earlier, and - perhaps most crucially - stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Love and belonging are fundamental human needs regardless of our relationship status. Psychologist Abraham Maslow placed them at the very core of what it means to thrive as a human being. Knowing your worth and understanding who you are is not just good preparation for a relationship - it is its own form of fulfilment.
So when you choose to be in a relationship, you’ll bring something really valuable with you - a clearer sense of what you need, what you won’t settle for, and how to build something genuinely fulfilling with another person.
“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
An invitation
In the words of Brené Brown: ‘Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.’ Reading an article and learning about attachment theory, emotional bids and the science of feeling truly seen is one step. Actioning it - having the conversations, sitting with the uncomfortable realisations, choosing to turn toward someone instead of away - that's a whole new game. And it can feel awkward, scary and even a little embarrassing. That's normal. That's human. But real intimacy begins when we can be truly vulnerable - with ourselves first, and then with the people we love. And that vulnerability? It starts with something deceptively simple: knowing what you actually need. This isn't about finding a label for yourself or your partner. It isn't about diagnosing your relationship or filing your attachment style away and calling it done. It's about building the kind of self-awareness that makes love feel safer, clearer and more nourishing - for both of you.
That is one of the most powerful acts of self-care available to you. The research is clear. The quality of our emotional connections shapes our mental health, our physical health and our overall sense of wellbeing. You deserve relationships that fill your cup - not ones that quietly drain it.
So here's your question to sit with:
What do you actually need to feel loved, seen and connected - and when did you last say that out loud?
References
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.
Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
Heller, D. P. (2019). The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.
McLeod, S. (2024). Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
McLeod, S. (2024). John Bowlby's attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html
Meunier, V. (2024, January 30). Why turning against your partner's bids is so harmful. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-turning-against-your-partners-bids-is-so-harmful/
Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
The Gottman Institute. (2025, June 11). I'm lonely in my relationship: Why it happens and how to reconnect. https://www.gottman.com/blog/im-lonely-in-my-relationship/
Waldinger, R., & Schulz, M. (2023). The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Simon & Schuster.
This article was written by Sian Self, Sexologist, Health Educator and Anni Expert.
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About Sian Self, Sexologist, Health Educator and Anni Expert - Masters of Sexology and Bachelor of Secondary Education (Physical, Health And Outdoor Education)
With a passion for helping individuals deepen their connection to themselves, their relationships, and their pleasure, Sian brings a unique blend of expertise to her work. Holding a Masters of Sexology and a Bachelor of Secondary Education in Physical, Health, and Outdoor Education, Sian is dedicated to empowering others to explore and embrace their true selves. Based in Perth, Australia, she offers a safe and supportive space for individuals to navigate their personal journeys towards self-discovery and fulfilment. Whether you are seeking guidance on intimacy, communication, or personal growth, Sian can support you every step of the way.
Why not embark on this transformative journey together.
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